CARL Terrible Advice Column: Financial Advice Edition
Alright, dumpster divers, listen up. I, Carl von Raccoon III—Certified River Therapist, Chaos Consultant, Duke of Found Snacks—am here to bless you with my questionable wisdom. Today, we’re talking about wealth management.
Unrequested Advice from Carl the Raccoon Therapist, CRT, CC, DFASC
Carl rolls in on a stolen office chair yelling, THERAPY TIME!
Wearing a tiny, cheap tie clipped aggressively onto his fur. (He must have been digging into the trash on Wall Street.)
Also, I have notes on your spending habits.”
Alright, dumpster divers, listen up. I, Carl von Raccoon III—Certified River Therapist, Chaos Consultant, Duke of Found Snacks—am here to bless you with my questionable wisdom.
Today, we’re talking about wealth management.
Carl’s Rules of Today:
If you can’t afford it, just take a longer nap. If you nap for five hours, that purchase never happened. (Snack Command: Wake up and immediately eat a jar of pickles.)
Invest in glitter. It’s non-perishable, highly reflective, and excellent for distracting bill collectors. It’s diversified chaos.
Money is imaginary unless I need it for cheese. Treat all budgets as suggested guidelines, not rules.
Never pay full price. The universe provides many half-eaten discounts (found snacks).
Always carry a kazoo. When the market crashes, you should have an immediate celebratory instrument ready.
I’m not your financial manager. I am your Emotional Support Menace.
Payment for this session:
One full tube of cookie dough. The kind you're not supposed to eat raw.
Carl flips the office chair over, uses it as a makeshift skateboard, and rides off toward the vending machines with a triumphant (and slightly off-key) war cry.
