CARL Terrible Advice Column: SNOW DAY EDITION
“LISTEN UP, SNOW GREMLINS. I am officially declaring a SNOW DAY TOMORROW. This is NOT up for debate. I found a decree in the trash and signed it myself.” He dramatically unwraps a scarf he definitely does not know how to use.
Unrequested Advice from Carl the Raccoon Therapist, CRT, CC, DFASC
Carl bursts into the room wearing a winter coat two sizes too big, the sleeves dragging behind him like sad parade floats. He also has on a pink princess beanie. He refuses to explain it. Do not ask questions.
He stomps snow off his tiny raccoon feet and yells:
“LISTEN UP, SNOW GREMLINS. I am officially declaring a SNOW DAY TOMORROW. This is NOT up for debate. I found a decree in the trash and signed it myself.”
He dramatically unwraps a scarf he definitely does not know how to use.
Carl’s Official Snow Day Rules
1. Grab snowballs and throw them at your enemies. If you miss, simply pretend it was symbolic.
2. Acquire snacks. Today’s warmth-boosting recommendation: chili peppers. If your mouth isn’t on fire, are you even celebrating winter correctly?
3. Hot chocolate is optional… But Carl will silently judge you if you don’t add marshmallows shaped like unicorns.
4. Coat size does not matter. If it fits over your entire personality, it’s fine.
5. Princess beanies increase emotional resilience by 27%. Carl insists this is science.
Carl spreads his arms—well, the coat’s arms—and declares:
“Go forth, my frostbitten dumplings. Cause mischief. Stay warm. And if anyone asks who authorized this snow day… tell them Carl did.”
Payment for Today’s Session:
One pepperoni pizza. No olives. He will know.
Carl then waddles outside, immediately slips on ice, pops back up like it was part of his routine, and marches into a snowbank with purpose.
