Christmas Countdown Day 17
Their skin was the color of expired marshmallows. Their fingers bent like frozen breadsticks. Peppermint’s teeth were still chattering. Buttercup’s eyelashes had icicles. Mason had turned blue (he insisted this was normal). And Joe—sweet, quiet, emotionally-fragile Joe—had reached his limit.
“Joe’s Mutiny & Mandatory Hot Tub Therapy” (…in which Joe becomes unhinged, Peppermint nearly drowns, and Mason learns nothing)
The Chaos Four woke up not refreshed, not hopeful, not determined…
…but cold.
Deep, core-level, soul-shattering cold.
Their skin was the color of expired marshmallows. Their fingers bent like frozen breadsticks. Peppermint’s teeth were still chattering. Buttercup’s eyelashes had icicles. Mason had turned blue (he insisted this was normal). And Joe—sweet, quiet, emotionally-fragile Joe—had reached his limit.
He slammed his mug on the table so hard Peppermint screamed.
“That’s it,” he snarled. “We’re not doing ANYTHING today. I am calling a MUTINY.”
Peppermint blinked. “Joe…?”
Joe pointed at all of them with a shaking, frostbitten finger.
“I am COLD. My bones are cold. My blood is cold. My SOUL is cold. We are going to the hot tubs and we are not arguing about it.”
Buttercup saluted weakly. Peppermint nodded while wrapped in four blankets. Mason: “Can we bring snacks?”
Joe: “NO. WE ARE GOING. NOW.”
WALKING TO THE SPA LIKE TRAUMA VICTIMS
They shuffled through the snow in silence.
Peppermint waddled like a penguin.Buttercup hobbled. Joe trudged forward with murder in his eyes. Mason tried to make snow angels and got yelled at.
A sign outside the North Pole Luxury Spa read:
“NO CHAOS. NO EXPLOSIVES. NO CRYING IN THE WATER.”
Joe pointed at it.
“ALL OF YOU. BEHAVE.”
ENTERING THE HOT TUBS
Steam rose in the air like heaven itself had decided to make soup.
They sank into the bubbling water and FOUR THINGS happened immediately:
Peppermint: screamed because her frozen limbs thawed too fast
Buttercup: sank completely underwater on accident
Joe: made a noise that sounded like a dying frog but was actually relief
Mason: “OOOHHHH IT’S LIKE BEING BOILED ALIVE— I LOVE IT.”
Peppermint grabbed the edge. “I can feel my spine again.”
Buttercup resurfaced dramatically like a mermaid who’d seen death. “I saw the light.”
Joe leaned back, eyes closed. “This… this is my happy place.”
Therapy Time
Something splashed.
Hard.
Water sloshed over the edge of the hot tub as a raccoon surfaced between them.
Wearing:
• children’s swim trunks three sizes too big
• arm floaties
• and a bathrobe so oversized it immediately slipped off one shoulder
Everyone screamed.
Peppermint scrambled. Buttercup slipped. Joe inhaled water. Mason yelled, “IS THIS THE BACKUP?!”
The raccoon adjusted his floaties calmly.
“Relax,” he said. “I’m a therapist.”
Silence.
Peppermint: “…you’re a raccoon.” Buttercup: “IN OUR HOT TUB.” Joe: “WHY ARE YOU WET.” Mason: “Do you take insurance?”
The raccoon shrugged and slid deeper into the water.
“Name’s Carl.
You all look emotionally constipated.”
Peppermint splashed him. Carl hissed and splashed back.
Joe whispered, “We’re hallucinating.”
Carl waved a paw. “Terrible advice time. Free sample.”
He cleared his throat.
“If things aren’t working, stop trying.
If that doesn’t help, snack.
If you can’t snack, nap.
And if someone tells you ‘no,’ ignore them.”
He nodded, satisfied.
Buttercup stared. “…that’s it?”
Carl blinked. “What do you want, a pamphlet?”
Peppermint pinched the bridge of her nose. “How did you even GET here?”
Carl leaned back, floaties squeaking. “Destiny. Poor boundaries. And someone left a gate open.”
Mason raised his hand. “That tracks.”
AND THEN CHAOS FINDS THEM ANYWAY
Because they cannot have one normal day.
The bubbles started to intensify.
Buttercup frowned. “…is it supposed to bubble this much?”
Joe sat up. “NOBODY MOVE. NOBODY TOUCH ANYTHING.”
Peppermint: “My toes are vibrating—”
Carl looks at Mason: “Even I can't help that one!”
Mason grinned.
“Oh yeah. I MAYBE added a little something to the water.”
Everyone: “WHAT?!”
Mason held up a bath bomb the size of a honey-baked ham.
“It said, Arctic Blizzard Surprise. I wanted to see the surprise.”
He dropped it in.
Joe screamed.
The hot tub erupted like a volcano made of foam, glitter, and menthol.
Peppermint was launched out of the tub like a dolphin.Buttercup disappeared under a tidal wave of bubbles.Joe climbed onto the rim yelling, “WHY IS THIS MY LIFE—”
Carl shot up like a rocket and landed in another hot tub.
Mason giggled like a toddler in a bubble storm.
The staff elves ran over horrified.
“A BLIZZARD BATH BOMB?! WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THAT?!”
Mason shrugged. “It called to me.”
AFTERMATH
They were kicked out.
Banished.
Given a laminated card that said:
“HOT TUB PRIVILEGES REVOKED UNTIL JANUARY.”
Joe held it gently, like a death certificate.
“We can never show our faces here again.”
Peppermint coughed out glitter.
Buttercup wrung out her hair.
Mason: “I rate today 8/10. Could’ve used snacks.”
❌ Attempt #… (They didn’t even try today)
But still, somehow:
- Injuries: 3
- Emotional damage: 12
- Hot tub ban: permanent
- Bob: unaware of today’s chaos (for once)
Peppermint stared into the distance.
“Tomorrow,” she whispered, “we try again.”
Joe screamed into a towel.
